Diversion

 I was getting married tomorrow and had managed to not have tried on my wedding dress that I ordered yet. I had a relaxed attitude as I began gathering my things to get ready to marry the next day. I threw my hair in a poorly done side bun, I must have jammed like 30 bobby pins at random in my updo..or rather my updon't. Added a little bit of lipstick on and threw on my dress to try it on.
At once my lax attitude changed. The dress was 4 times too big. Had i actually lost that much weight this year! Yay..oh wait..no! This is bad..very bad. What a terrible time to celebrate that when I need that dress to fit tomorrow! Maybe I can gain 40 lbs today? Where are the donuts?  I also realized that I was ill prepared with no shoes, my hairstyle was all to hell and I needed to get married the next day somehow! My adrenaline kicked in as I gathered my keys and flew out the door. Going from tailor to tailor trying to find anyone available to take in this dress of mass proportion, calling around town to see if I could get an appointment to get my hair styled and to all no avail. It was not so much that all this time I was being lazy before but more so that I was comfortable that it was going to work out. Now, in this panic I realized that this was not how it was supposed to turn out. This was not how it was supposed to be! I had a dress that did not fit, looked a hot mess and was now all worked up.

As I finally find a tailor that is willing to work through the night to take my dress in, I look down and noticed that there is dog pee all over the front of the gown! Is this really happening? Seriously? Ahhhhhhh!!!  After a huge panic attack, I wake up.

I woke up this morning to that dream. Now, for those of you who know me well know that this would never happen to me if it were reality. I have acquired and almost OCD about planning aesthetic things over the years and even more, I am a makeup artist for a living and a trained stylist so there is no way I would shove 30 bobby pins in my hair aimlessly, apply one lipstick on and call it a day. However, my dream interested me. It unsettled me. I could hear my internal dialogue in my dream shouting.."This is not how we are doing this over again!"

I am in the process right now of getting a divorce. That sounds so horrible to some and as many people always say to me "That is so sad, are you okay?" but the reality is that we are such good friends and will be for the rest of our lives. That is a blessing. It truly is. As time is moving forward however we are building our own lives. Moving in new directions slowly and I am beginning to really think about my future and what I want, where I want to be someday. Wondering what my next relationship will be like if I am to have the opportunity again in the future. What do I want to do differently? What am I leaning about myself?

 What I am taking away from this dream is that I need to prepare. Not even for marriage but for life. Each day I need to be actively doing something that gets me closer to my goals and ideals. I can not just let life happen to me but I need to work hard for the things I want. I have been on that path this year as is but am constantly learning how only I can drive my experience and get to the places I want to get to and in the way that I will find satisfaction and fulfillment. The younger version of me believed that everything was up to fate. To let life happen and it will all be perfect. I worked hard in my career then as I gained a few years but my emotional and spiritual life I somehow thought did not require the same strategic agility and focus to have an amazing experience. So driven in one aspect of my life while the my emotional self was just left to let the chips fall where they may.

This dream taught me so much about what i had already been pondering this month. In this chapter in my life, I am going to put just as much focus and just as much drive in my mind, heart and spirit as I do in reaching my career goals. I still believe in fate. I still believe that there is a path for all of us, I am now seeing though that there is also work and preparation that goes into that as well if you want your life and experiences to be fruitful and fulfilling. What you bring to life should not be a diversion to the experience life has laid out for you but an enhancement.

Diversion.